Vayeshev 5771 Searching for the man Rabbi Aaron Goldstein 27 November 2010

BarMitzvah of Harrison Kons

There is a fascinating trend in the weekend supplements that I believe no one is too sure what to make of. That is the role of men in society. There are headlines and strap-lines which read:

“Depressed, repressed, objectified: are men the new women? They’re less fertile, more weight-obsessed and ‘non-essential to parenting.’ No wonder men are confused about modern masculinity.” (The Observer Woman, August 08)

“How to be a real man: Do you know how to change a tyre? Give a speech? Or shave without leaving a nasty rash? Gather centuries-old wisdom for the metro-generation” (Sunday Independent, 10.08.08)

“Fixing the British male: Men in 2010 are a shadow of their former selves. We’re dab hands at whipping up a cheese soufflé, but our tools lie unloved in the shed and we’ve forgotten the simple pleasures of working with our hands. Top Gear’s James May believes its time for a full service.” (The Observer, 31.10.10)

There are also books written following research showing that both ancient man and woman were stronger, faster, more springier than any of today’s male world record holders. These and other eye-catching claims are detailed in a book by Australian anthropologist Peter McAllister entitled "Manthropology" and provocatively sub-titled "The Science of the Inadequate Modern Male." "We are simply not exposed to the same loads or challenges that people were in the ancient past and even in the recent past so our bodies haven't developed. Even the level of training that we do, our elite athletes, doesn't come close to replicating that. We wouldn't want to go back to the brutality of those days but there are some things we would do well to profit from." (Reuters, 14.10.09)
In the light of our modern world, I wonder what strength we might draw from our Jewish tradition and Liberal interpretation of it.

In our sidrah, we find Joseph, knowing he is hated by his brothers seemingly being set-up by hi doting father for more rough treatment. Jacob, his father, instructs him to go out to see what his brothers are up to. Joseph meets a random passer-by (are they ever random in the Torah!) in the countryside of Shechem who asks him what he is looking for. Joseph answers: “et achai anochi m’vakesh – I’m looking for my brothers.”

What is it that Joseph is really looking for?

Rabbi Norman Cohen states that “Joseph’s difficulty in locating his brothers in Shechem underscores that the purpose of his journey had more to do with the nature of their relationship than simply seeing how their shepherding was coming along. He had to find and repair his relationship with his brothers before he could move on with his life. Joseph was approaching Shechem when he realised he was lost.” (Self, struggle and change, 158). Norman Cohen translates his words as, “It is my brothers whom I desire.” It is direction, it is belonging, it is knowing one’s role in life in relation to others, not alone.

Rabbi Jeffrey Salkin in his book, “Searching for my brothers,” identifies the defining moment in the history of Jewish masculinity as being after the Romans had destroyed Jewish independence in the land of Israel in 70CE. The Jews lost their homeland. They lost their sacred centre. They lost their sense of power. He states: “In the wake of that disaster, the sages did something brilliant. They knew they had been defeated. They knew they had been subjugated. They said to themselves, “In the Roman world, being a man means defending yourself and your community. We have failed to do that. We must redefine what it means to be a man.”

They did this by revering masculinity through Torah rather than toughness. The world of study and prayer became the place of male bonding. In our Liberal Jewish Synagogues that celebrates men and women praying and studying together, we define bonding in inclusive rather than exclusive terms. In our Liberal Jewish way, pray and study have all too often been abdicated to women rather than shared with women.

The new Jewish macho of our sages was ethics. “Western culture said, “Be a man.” Jewish culture said, “Be a mensch.” When the Rabbi Hillel said, “In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man,” he did not mean, be a man like a Roman gladiator or like characters played by Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger or Bruce Willis.” By, “man” he meant, “Be a person of great moral and spiritual integrity.” For that reason, Judaism developed a strict moral and ethical code that demanded that men curb their baser instincts and ascend to something higher. This included controlling their notion of conquest including sexuality. All too often in our society this has led to men leaving good deeds to women.

Jewish men were also encouraged to be emotional. Western culture said, “Take it like a man.” The Torah contains many examples of men who cry, weep and sob, who hug and kiss each other. Jewish men could be in touch with their emotions. In the way that Liberal Judaism has allowed Jews to live in the modern world, all too often men have forgotten that their tradition allows them to emote, encourages them to, creates rituals through which to do so.

Men do not need to be dominant to play an affective role in society and indeed when they do not try to be, they, like Joseph might allow their skills to come to the fore and as a by-product be successful. The equality that our society allows for men and women is positive. It is one of the founding principles of Liberal Judaism ahead of its time. Yet the empowerment of women should not be at the cost of men playing a role in society, in our Synagogues and in our homes.   

I know that our members, both men and women, take great responsibility in their homes and indeed in the many acts of good that we do in wider society. Yet I want to ask how we do that as Jews?

Harrison, you made the decision to have your Bar Mitzvah and with that decision, you brought great happiness to your Grandfather. Arthur would have been so proud to have seen you today. He will stand for all time as an incredible role model for you. His strength was an inspiration for you and I pray that in turn, you become a source of strength for others. Now you can take a deep breath and do not need to worry about your Hebrew. But as you take that breath, know that today has deep meaning for you. Today I pray that you have been inspired to begin thinking how you will become a man who is a source of inspiration for others. You are the first boy in your year to do your Bar Mitzvah. Now is the opportunity for you to support your peers in their preparations for Bnei Mitzvah.

At times, like Joseph, we need to put ourselves in an uncomfortable place to find ourselves and our brothers, our place in Community and society. We do not need to return to Neanderthal man or strive to be a stereotype like our glossy colour supplements would urge us to conform to. What we do need to do is to learn how we assimilate what we have gained from the principles of equality in Liberal Judaism, with the best of what our tradition can teach. Over the coming days, we will hear lots about the military victory of the Maccabees. Yet we must recall that their moment was short-lived. Rather, I hope that we will take from Chanukah the motto, “not by might, not by power, but by spirit, shall we all live in peace.”

Amen